25 years agi...

25 years ago Christmas Eve my mother was murdered by my father in front of all of us kids. I thought for the longest time that I had dealt with it all only to find out in the hospital that I have never dealt with it at all but repressed it. I am struggling with the depression that this time of year brings for me in a major way. In the past it was hard for me to deal with but the wounds are so fresh this year that ut us already difficult for me. I just don't kmow how to deal with all of this and how to get passed it enouh to be able to work on it. I tend to get quiet and withdraw. Chris and is fammily are good about keepin me busy enough for it not to get too bad but this year is going to be quite the challenge. I just hope that I can do it without another holiday that I sleep through or muddle through.

I already have a lot to work on and deal with without these things being drug up and fresh. Please oh please allow me to have the strength to get through it all. I will keep my fingers crossed and hope that it isn't a problem like all of these other things.

I hope that the holidays bring everyone joy and happiness. I hope that this season brings happiness and joy to you all. It is really a great time of year. May you give the gift of joy and happiness and love. Please remember that getting gifts is not the only reason we celebrate and that you are able to share your talents and love with those who need them.

Keep Moving Forward,
Jennie

Thanksgiving Sucked

Well, normally I enjoy Thanksgiving but this year sucked in a major way. I slept through the whole things! Yup, I slept through it all. I have no idea why or what was going on but I couldn't stay awake and I fell asleep at the table before Chris told me to go to bed. I had tried to take a nap for an hour or so before we went out to Chris's moms but it didn't do any good.

This time of year is always hard for me. Christmas Eve is the anniversary of my mother's murder and every year I have a hard time. This year the wounds are pretty fresh because while at the hospital I had to talk about it and deal wtih it. I have never done that, even in all of the therapy that I have had over the years. Chris is worried about how Christmas Eve will be when Thanksgiving was so bad. I don't know what to do other then hope that I have dealt with some of this before it bites me in the butt again.

I feel bad for Chris's family for the most part. This is something that they don't uderstand let alone know how to help me with. Chris wants to help me wtih all of it and all of the pain. The best thing that I can think of is to let me sleep a lot the day before so that I am not tired at all. I have to get into therapy and quickly before all of this and hope that I can talk about it enough that it doesn't hurt me too bad.

I was doing pretty good for a while there but now I am worried about how I am starting to get depressed again and sleep a lot. The doctor warned me that if it happened I should increase the antidepressants. I will have to get into the doctor asap.

Well, I had better go. I just hope that I can handle the rest of the holiday season.
Jennie

Family Fun

So last night we had a family get together at our house to celebrate our finishing our backyard fence. We had the sought after hotdogs and hamburgers which always goes over well. The boys were yelling "Nana, look at me." and the same to great gma and gpa. They bounced as high as they could on the trampoline and swung as high as they could on the swings just to see who would watch their successes. It was great to have everyone over but I won't lie. I stressed all day about what I needed to do to the house to clean it up and get ready. My heart had to have been going a mile a minute just with anxiety all because it has been so long since I have even been able to clean the house let alone have family over for dinner or anything. We looked at pictures from Nana (Chris's mom) and Gma's (Chris's Gma, the kids great gma) vacation to Mexico on a cruise ship. This is the second cruise they have gone on together and since Gma is 80 years old this is an awsome thing. We are so lucky to have this family and especially to have Great Grandparents around to play with our kids. Not only are they around but they are very active in the kids lives and play with them often. I never even knew my grandparents let alone my great grandparents so to me this is very special.

So, in the midsst of all the play, picture peeking and talking we had a blast. Cia (Chris's sister) and I planned our shopping trip for Santa Bingo. This is a long standing family tradition every Thanksgiving. Each year the parents go out and find inexpensive fun things for everyone and put them in a huge pile. We then play Santa Bingo which is an old game that is obviously Christmas themed. We play until everyone has gotten a bingo and then start over again until all of the prizes are gone. The best thing about Santa Bingo is the memories. We used to do it at the Cabin (Gma and Gpa's) and we would have Gpa calling out the tiles. He of course would make funny comments, make up tiles that didn't exhist and funny things like that. It was always a time of laughter and fun. The last 3 years we have been unable to do Santa Bingo because we have not been at the cabin for that long. 3 years ago Chris's Aunt got cancer and very sick. It began to be too much for her to house the 30 plus family members that would cram themselves into her kitchen to play and eat Thanksgiving Dinner. This year we can't go to the cabin but we decided that in light of Sandi's passing (after a 3 year battle with the cancer she lost the battle and passed on) we would bring back the family tradition and begin to play again. This year we are changing the rules and instead of playing and picking prizes for ourselves we are going to play for a family member. We are going to draw names each game and we will play for someone else and pick their prizes for them.

So, anyone looking for a new or fun Christmas tradition or Thanksgiving tradition should consider Santa Bingo. There are a lot of ways that you can do this game and it is a lot of fun. Many of the people in the family will love it and cherish the memories forever.

a-a-r-o-n

Ok, so I am the type of mother who really loves to teach my kids things mixed in with the educational and all that. HAHA, yup, I said try. So last week I was playing in the sandbox with my glorious newly 3 toddler Aaron and thought that sand drawing was the perfect teaching tool and that he would value this lesson until he dies. I grabbed a toy and shaped out a capital A and said "Lets spell your name Aaron." Well, he looks at the letter and then looks at me as if I am a total moron and said"a-a-r-o-n, Aaron." and then proceeds to continue to bury his toes. I would have to say that my jaw dropped about a foot at that moment and then I realized what just happened. Not only had I been unsuccessful in teaching him something, he taught me something. Never think you are smarter then your kid. Now, he just barely turned 3 so I am quite proud of my little stinker. He is only a minor pain in the butt some of the time...